Seriously? Who watched Grey’s Anatomy tonight? What is happening? I thought it was really depressing. How is Seattle Grace number 12? They are not 12, they are number 1, at least a 2. But the 12^th teaching school? No. How does that happen? The first interns, now residents (except poor George) work hard. Cristina killed a man from suturing wrong. Then she slips on ice and gets impaled. McDreamy gets cut in the hand. Then Callie freezes up while trying something new, while the guy is dying! Everyone was just … off tonight. They should have waited and had the season premiere next week so they wouldn’t have been so off.

Ok, so it’s not really about Grey’s, but this didn’t help. It’s about the one thing I grew up loving, the one thing that I knew I always could turn to when I was down. It’s … not great right now. Shows are closing, too many. A lot of good ones. Shows are getting canceled before they even make it to Broadway. The stupid economy is ruining the one amazing thing in my life. All I can think about, which I hope and pray it’s not going to happen, is it just closing down completely. But I mean, that can’t happen, right? It doesn’t happen. Within a couple of years it will be back to normal. But I mean, what if it closes before I get my chance? And why am I still here?

It’s about Broadway going down hill, cats and grandparents dying, the upcoming election, me still being at home. Then Seattle Grace is number 12. I mean I go to school and in a year I lose one of my favorite cats (I still miss Marty everyday) and my first grandparent … just a couple of weeks after my birthday. I stay home and I apparently get sick (nothing major, I’m better now), trees die, my hair is shorter. Do you ever feel like no matter how hard you try to hang on to your childhood, you fail? It seems everything you once loved as a kid, never appears the same when you are older. In so many ways I want to go back, but at the same time I don’t.

What am I doing? This wasn’t a part of my big plan. I am supposed to be some place else right now. I’m not supposed to be back at home. Even though I felt Farmington was a waste last year towards my dream, at least I met a lot of amazing people and had a blast. They reminded me that it’s not about where you end up, but the journey you have to get there. The only way you will be happy everyday is if you work at it. Maybe you aren’t supposed to be happy just doing one thing. Maybe you really do need people, and friends to remand happy each day.

But I think there was a reason why I didn’t go back to college this year. A couple of weeks before I would have left, my heart was up to about 130 for three days. Um, not normal. I told mom about it finally, that was fun. I ended up in the ER for two hours. They ran blood tests, EKG, hooked me up to monitors and even had an IV. It was defiantly a new experience. But it didn’t end up being anything too serious. I have (had?) an overactive thyroid, I was put on medication. But two doctor visits later, I found out today that I am back to normal. And I can be taken off the medication. That is great. It was scary at first, like I was freaking out. Mostly because that was my first time in the hospital as a patient since I was maybe three with an ear ache. So it was all new to me. And real life, not just on TV. But it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. But now that my heart is normal again, it’s time for me to do something.

I need theatre. Isn’t it weird how you never notice how much you truly love something or someone until you don’t have it anymore? When is the human going to start realizing that before it’s too late? Recently my family (I mean all of my dad’s family) was up at my great aunt’s nursing home, and in this room they had a bunch of signs with really good sayings on them. One that I loved said “It’s never too soon to tell someone how much you love them because you never know when too late will be”. That is so true. People come and go in our lives all the time. But how often do we actually take the time to tell them how much they mean too us? I think that answer is not enough. We just get used to taking advantage of our friends and family.

But I have recently realized (1) How much I love and miss my Mallett friends (2) How much I love and miss Mallett and (3) How much I love and need theatre. Yup. It’s true. I guess Farmington played a bigger part in my life than I thought. Each day I’ll remember something new that happened. I miss going star gazing, turning numb, laying on the ground with my friends, singing show tunes and children’s songs. I miss going to the snack bar, ghost hunting. I miss those long and boring nights with nothing to do, so we would get creative and find something. I miss just being a, well, kid. I felt so much like a little kid there. God, on that first snow day, that was magic. I remember feeling stressed, and freaked out, but that made me relaxed. It made me realize that life is not all work. It made me feel free. That feeling you only can genuinely feel and enjoy as a kid. Staying up late playing Apples to Apples with the guys, just watching out that window for the snow. Then when the snow did come, I don’t think I felt that happy in a long while. Jada picked me and swung me, it was just such a happy feeling. The running around, shouting at 3AM. Magic. I don’t think anything will top that one for some time now.

I miss those late nighters, and all nighters. Hanging out in the lobby. Apples to Apples. Hug-A-Bear. As much as I hated being in that dorm at times, I’ll even take those moments right now. I really miss my roomie, the way we were that first month or so. We would stay up for hours, talking, sometimes just laughing. I knew what it was like to have a sister. We shared a lot of great moments. But you also gotta take the bad. And there was plenty of those. But in the end, they weren’t that bad.

I remember that night it was just me, Jada and Cary, we were in the lobby watching Hannibal Raising with the lights off. Then the window just blew open. That was freaky. And when we, um, did some snooping. And us three went out to Chinese one night. It was weird, our waitress was a spitting image of Jodie Foster (and I wasn’t the only one to notice it) and there was a guy who sat in front of me looked just like Sean Hayes (Jack from Will & Grace.) My birthday was great too! Us all going to Pizza Hut, then the cake back in the lobby. That was one of my best birthdays in a while. It was then I realized how many friends I had there. I feel horrible that I was so anti everyone at the end of the year. But, that happens. I think we all just needed a break from each other, and after I’ve had a break, I really do realize how lucky I am to have such great friends.

But, at the same time, I am glad I didn’t go back. I think it would be that feeling of trying to relive a summer camp experience. You go back to a place that you had a magical, life changing experience, but nothing is the same. It, in some ways, I think erases some of the past. Which, I don’t want to do. Cause some people left, I would have been in a different room. It would have been the same type of experience, but completely new. I think that’s weird, and it kind of freaks me out to think about. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to visit.

And I am glad that I am still here. Mostly because I love stock car racing (something I’m sure no one knows. So, Kyle, I guess I do like a sport, haha) I’m not really into Nascar, though, but I love our local track. It’s small, the smallest one in Maine, but it is fun. I love the excitement of it all. The feuds, you know, which driver is chasing who this week. And the dirty drivers. It’s just a fun time. I get right into it. I really want to go in the pit one week, but it didn’t happen yet. We were supposed to one weekend, but it was the day after I was in the hospital. That was just a weird weekend. But my uncle races. Well, not so much anymore, but once in a while. The reason why I am so into them is cause it’s in the Lawrence (my mom’s family) blood. My mom grew up on the track, her father used to sponsor a car. I grew up at Spud Speedway too. When I was about 3 to about 6 I went there every Sunday. Of course then I thought it was the most boring thing, so I would just play on the hill behind the track. You know, it’s cause of that place why I get so freaked out when someone tries to pick up. When I was maybe five one of my friends (same age) picked me up and dropped me on the bleachers. But not just anywhere’s, no, my head had to land on one of those metal things. Yup. So, here it was in the middle of a big race, and they had to stop it so the paramedics could check me out. I was fine, I didn’t go to the hospital. I don’t remember much about it, actually. But that was enough to be scared of getting picked up. I always turn back into that little girl. But now I go and I love to watch it. It’s funny how life turns on you like that.

Right now I am doing nothing. I am taking an online playwrighting course, which I am enjoying. It is my first writing class ever. (Besides English in high school, which to me does not count.) And I am also going to take some sort of creative writing class soon, and a TV writing class probably next semester. Well, after this class, they are for ten weeks. So, at least I am still doing something. I also NEED to finish Addicted. Like it isn’t even to the point where it’s an option anymore. I started writing it when I was in the 10^th grade. How did I let this much time pass before I finished it? Time flies too fast. But this story is my baby. I love it, and I am really proud of it. It’s over a 150 pages now, and I still have about 5 to 6 chapters to write. It is just a Kelly Clarkson fan fiction, well, that’s how it started out. But it has turned into so much more. It has become into this story that I need to get published and get out there. I know it needs a lot of work at some places right now, but it can be amazing. Possibly it will save some life’s, and I truly believe that, so I need to get it published.

Do you know what’s ironic? The best thing that has happened to me in a long while is the very thing I have feared for a very long time. There was this boy in high school, we only knew each other for about a year, but he quickly became my best friend. We were always together. Everyone always joked that we skipped over dating and just married. We fought like a married couple, but just playfully, of course. But, then things happened. You can never be completely happy without paying a price. I paid. He could be so sweet, and so much fun. He made me laugh so hard. But he would act immature. I HATE immature people, so of course, that made us fight. But it’s funny, everyone thought we were perfect together. Everyone and their dog literally thought we should get married. Even all of my family loved him. What do you do? I mean, yes he was a great friend, but, well, he wouldn’t always be. He would treat me like crap at times. He would belittle me, and embarrass me in public, in front of my friends. I hated him for that. My senior year of high school I missed a lot of days. He was the big part of it. When he got suspended for two weeks, that was when I realized it. It wasn’t me, it was him. I was happy, I could talk to my friends without feeling stupid. I was starting to come back. I will never forget that day at lunch, he was going off about something, he snapped at me then took off. I got that look. You know, that pity look. I was so embarrassed. It was like they felt bad for me cause I had to put up with it, and that wondering what he’s like in private. I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t. I was ashamed. But the worst part? He had no idea. I just got to the point to where I could not take it anymore. I didn’t feel like a person, I just felt like his object. I know he didn’t mean it, but it happened. But, the worst part? I could not tell anyone. No one knew what he was like. No one knew I actually feared him. I couldn’t let people know. Then on prom night - that was an amazing night - but he quickly ruined it. It was the last dance, of course it was his favorite song, Hotel California by The Eagles. We slowed dance for like tenth time that night, it wasn’t that big of a deal. But then I could tell. He had that look in his eyes. He wanted to kiss me. Somewhere along the line he fell for me. I, however, did not fall for him. I thought of him like a brother. Then he said it to me: “Don’t let it go forever.” That scared me. This was not how it was supposed to go. Where in our friendship, in the mist of him degrading me, and me being scared, but yet was totally amused by him, did this happen? Where was it written? I just knew it was going to happen, though. Ever since that night, I just could not look at him. He scared me even more. He was mad because I just saw him as a brother, he said he was everyone’s brother. I understand. But that was not what I needed in him. What I needed was him to just have my back. I needed him to help me. We were supposed to go to NYC together. He was going to start a car business, and me, well, be on Broadway. He supported me 110%. He believed in me when I didn’t. That was what I needed. But then he wanted to kiss me, and everything changed. My worst nightmare was confirmed. I looked at him and I got so mad. We stopped talking. I avoided him. But then I started to miss him, so much. But he still loved my parents, and talked to them. (That was even more awkward.) But a few days ago he came back over here. At first I ran, but then I surrendered, I was tired of running. I couldn’t even remember why I was running. God, it was just like old times. He always makes me happy. I missed him. But maybe we can be friends again. Maybe someday, a long way down the road, we will be something more. But not now. Not yet.

But, this, my friends, is life. It, in fact, is not black and white. It is shades of grey. We make a mistake and learn. It is full of denial, losses, procrastination, amazing friends, those people that treat you like crap, passions, lessons, waiting, hope, learning that life is not perfect, and you can’t be perfect, and happiness is not easy and sometimes comes with a price, getting knocked down, getting back up, fear, failure, dreams coming true, rejections, and being number 12. It is about learning to live with who you are, and accepting that, and realizing that you can not be perfect, and plans just don’t always work out as planned. But you have to know that what is meant to be will happen, you just have to wait. You have to stick out things you don’t like, say goodbye to the things you do like. You lose people and pets who were important and very close to you, but you have to say goodbye and let go. You have to move on. You can not let life just defeat you. At all costs you have to fight back. I’ve always heard “if you can get through this, you can get through anything”, I believe it is true because if you don’t get through this level, you can never complete the next. Life is filled of horrible things, but if you look long enough, and hard enough, every once in a while you might be lucky enough to find something so beautiful, so amazing, that you become a better, and stronger person.

I am still looking for Bailey's first show in Legally Blonde. Also, LBB's last LB.

Also, I am looking for Sutton Foster and Andrea Martin's last Young Frankenstein show on July 6, 2008.

Also, Megan Mullally's last show of Young Frankenstein on Aug 3, 2008.

**I saw Young Frankenstein on April 22 and both shows on April 23 (Tues and Wed) I have been looking for ANYTHING from these three shows. I will trade VERY unfairly for any of these! Esp the 8:00 show on Wed, there was a lot little mishaps. Thanks!**

This is a bit early, but I also REALLY want an audio of Shrek's opening in Seattle on Aug 14, 2008. I would trade you very unfairly for that!

My list is here - www.freewebs.com/bwaytrading  (I still have to update a few things, so keep checking back)

I read that there was a four or five track demo CD released of Shrek. I would LOVE to get this! I'll trade ya as many things as you want from my list!

My Site http://bwaydreamer.googlepages.com/home

Thanks!

(x-posted)